Sore butt during Theater

  Everytime I do theater, I leave my comfort zone. 

It’s not what you might immediately think. I do zero acting. Every couple of weeks, another show roles around, and I sign up to do tech or pit orchestra. Well, if I’m not even on stage there’s nothing to be nervous about is there?

For me, the environment of theater is uncomfortable. During tech week, I have to stay at school for quite a while. I sit on a chair with a seat tilted slightly down for hours, making my butt sore. During those times where I idly spin my chair from side to side, I feel lonely. As I sit in the booth at the lightboard, people like to come up to talk to the stage manager next to me. The people in theater are all nice, and generally energetic. Yet I still find myself sitting alone silently. I try to make conversation, but I feel like the bond of theater kids is an impenetrable wall. I can’t just butt in randomly, it’s too awkward. 

On that note, perhaps this loneliness is self-inflicted by my lack of talking skills. My friendships usually rely on people approaching me first or mutuals. These don’t really work in theater. People don’t approach me often and when they do, words get stuck in my throat, and I can’t banter. I usually resort to smiling and nodding. These interactions do me no favor because I’m further established as an awkward person, which deters any possible future conversations. I have one or two friends, but they understandably talk to other people they are closer to. Again, impenetrable theater bonds. 

In my subbie year, I went to Steak n Shake after the musical and sat in some upper classman's basement during the cast party. It was alright. I mostly listened to other people talk. In sophomore year I asked my mom to pick me up early. In junior and senior year, I stopped going all together.  

In the midst of tech week, as I eat pizza for the 3rd day in a row, I wallow in self pity and wonder why do I keep doing this to myself? This isn’t fun. I’m bored. I’m lonely. I’m unproductive. Why do I keep coming back? At first, it was due to FOMO. Fear of missing out. Other people always look like they have loads of fun doing theater activities. Deep down I always have a sliver of hope that this time, I would have fun too. This time, I would be able to talk to people. The FOMO died and I stopped going to cast parties, and that sliver of hope has finally disappeared with StudProd. Now I make little to no effort in theater, and just sit in the booth with my head buried in my iPad. It’s already my senior year, so there’s not really anything lost in terms of my theater career. I still plan to play pit in the musical because the joy of playing musical pieces outweighs sad feelings of loneliness. Or maybe that’s just my foresight talking. 

Though doing theater kind of sucks, I don’t regret doing it. I think it’s an interesting experience, and it’s fun being a cog in a big collaborative production. I’m also glad I made the attempt to put myself out there, even though I probably won’t do that again for a while.